Feren (feren) wrote,

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I must keep this brief, as I have to be awake in another five hours so that I can be at work at the completely outrageous time of four in the morning. I know that Captain has no pity for me, because he has to be at work at o'dark thirty ever weekday morning for his job. But that's his job, and this is mine. Mine never made me come in at such an ungodly hour in the morning (it just kept me there at the office until an ungodly hour in the morning) just to make five or six adjustments to a firewall's routing table.

But enough complaining about tomorrow ... I will put that in tomorrow's journal. Today I must complain about today (and I must complain, because Kette has been ragging on me and a few other folks on #watertower about not updating our journals. So I say: Kette, this one's for you. And, given your psychology education, maybe you can shed some light on this whole mess for me.

Let's see -- today's notable event was something small, but wow did it get my blood pressure to rise to something approaching the boiling point. This little nugget of joy was brought to you by my ex-girlfriend, so if you've got a beef with ex's this one is for you.

I've perhaps mentioned in the past that I was involved with a girl in a long distance relationship, and that it didn't work out (in fact it ended with my heart being torn in something like two million pieces). All of my close friends know the story, heck, even some of my coworkers do, too. Roho was living in my apartment at the time I got the voicemail saying she "never wanted to hear my voice again, never wanted another email or another letter from me," so he got an upclose view of how I took that news. He also can vouch how she made it quite clear she wanted to be left alone. This was news to me because she had apparently gotten engaged to somebody else since the last time I'd spoken with her, and in a small oversight neglected to mention this to me until the time of the voicemail, when I was pretty much declared a stalker and evil beyond all words. This was, needless to say, quite a shock to me, because until that point everything had been going good so far as I'd been told.

It took some time, but I got over it. As cliche as it sounds, it is true when people say that "time heals all wounds." What time provided for me, besides healing, was a chance for hindsight. Part of what really killed me was that she didn't have the guts to tell me she was going to marry somebody else until she decided she was sick of me writing letters and sending cards. That pissed me off beyond all belief. I got a real good glimpse at things, and developed an understanding that I was better off without her by far.

Anyways, as time moved along and I got the time to do some review of the past, I got a chance to see how manipulative she was, how petty and cruel she could be, and how she didn't really care about me (if she had, she wouldn't have dumped me the moment a seemingly better 'catch' showed up). One thing I also figured out afterwards was that no matter what, my opinion meant nothing to her. Zero. Less than fucking zilch. If she decided something was so, no matter what evidence I provided she was right and I was wrong. She also seemed to believe I was always going to lie to her, though I never did any such thing in our entire relationship. She accused me of playing people on other games that she didn't like, and trying to hide it from her (this based on some "things I like" in this other person's profile and mine that were the same). She accused me of any number of other things. Her insecurity made it so that she always had to be on the attack against me. I think there wasn't a week that didn't go by when she wasn't screaming about some damned thing or another at me and guilt tripping the shit out of me. After she dumped me, there was a silent period. Then, slowly, she started appearing here and there on the game where I first met her. She made accusations about me deleting her account and blocking her access to the game -- never mind I wouldn't know how to do any of those things on the MUSH software we use (I'm a site admin in name only. I can start and stop the game and that's the extent of my knowledge -- something she knows because she was walking me step-by-step through even the most simple of administrative tasks on the game when we were a couple). She accused me of sending my roommate out over ICQ to harass her, never mind I'd done no such thing... and if my roommate does something, he does it of his own volition. I am nobody's master, no matter what she thinks.

Regardless, I did nothing to her. I wanted to be shut of her, to put the whole thing behind me, continue to heal and move into a new, more productive (and less emotionally harmful relationship). I still do. I don't want to think about her, I don't want ot associate with her, and I don't want to do anything that's going to rile her up because then I'll have to deal with her more. But fate seems to have other ideas for me. Case in point: I got some shocking news abount her husband, via a friend on the Fourth of July. Even though I have a lot of anger and mistrust towards her, I still do care about her. I'd be lying if I said otherwise (meaning I care about her not having to go through any more hell than necessary) as well as cheating what (I thought) we had when we were together. When I heard the news, I felt very bad for her. Honestly I did. My first reaction was to go mix a drink, sit down, blink and go "Damn. That's terrible." I considered sending a card, or email, or flowers, just something to tell her she had my sympathies for her loss. Ultimately I decided against it for a number of reasons, not the least of which would be the possibility of her misconstruing it as .... something other than it is. So I let it be, and that was that. Haven't thought of her since, had no reason to.

Until today.

Today I was idling away on the MUSH and on #wt, working busily at my job, trying to get my various systems back online and operation since we had a series of (most amazing) catastrophic failures. I flipped back to check the MUSH window for activity and saw a page from a guest who'd logged in. Out of the clear blue sky I get "that was pretty scummy of you removing my post like that about my husband." Then she logged off the game. I'm in total and complete shock at this point. I didn't even know what she's talking about, I had to ask on the staff/admin channel if there was a post by her and if it had been removed. I was informed yes, there had been a post. Yes, it had been removed, by a totally different staff member,after receiving numerous complaints from users of the game about it being inappropriate and in poor taste, and posted by somebody who'd left the game on very bad terms. This was news to me. I hadn't known there'd been complaints. I hadn't known it'd been removed. Sweet Christ, I hadn't known there was a post. I was completely in the dark on this, but evidentally she had decided otherwise. But because she thinks I have some sick, twisted desire to make her life hell she assumes I was the one who removed it, and she had to page me with this accusing little message and give me shit about it... even after I made it abundantly clear in our last encounter that I'm sticking with what she told me (never talk to me again) and that I want nothing to ever do with her again. EVER. I go out of my way to avoid anything even remotely related to her. But she's decided I was the person who banner her from the game, and deleted her post pleading for somebody to cosign her $5,000 loan (Oh yes, I got the details about that post in about five seconds after screaming to know what was going on). She never asked who removed it, or made any attempt to do so. Nope, it was gone so clearly I was to blame, because I just REVEL in other people's misery -- I obviously don't have enough of my fucking own to deal with.

I thought passively avoiding her and ignoring her would solve this problem. Clearly, I was wrong.

So... she wants me to be totally against her, and be the cause of all her supposed misery? Fine, she's got it. She was one of the people I wrote of in an earlier LiveJournal entry about what it takes (and what it means) to earn a permanent grudge from me. Well, that grudge just went up a notch, and my aggravation with it has reached terminal levels. I will do everything in my power to make sure she can never log onto the game again, never page me and never email me again. I am making this wall as big and strong as I can. I want to be shut of her. I want to be shut of her wild and utterly insane accusations. I've better things to do than be accused of petty actions against somebody I'm trying actively to forget. So, from now on I'm taking active steps to prevent her from being around me in any way, shape or digital form. If she couldn't get the hint when I said, "You told me in no uncertain terms in your voicemail to leave you alone, to never talk to you, call you, write you a letter or an email again. I've done so. I just wanted to explain to you why I'm not responding. Good bye."

Maybe by doing this I can finally get the message into her sick little skull.

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