Feren (feren) wrote,

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Lazy Thursday...

Today was mostly spent in the date center at work, hiding from the boss and the coworkers under the pretense of reloading some software on our network management station. True enough, I was in fact reloading the software onto NOC... but that wasn't really what I was doing. I spent most of the time I was down there hiding in the back, toying with my laptop, just trying to determine what I was still doing at that company and in that position. I'm not sure what answer, if any, was reached. I may not know for some time. When it comes to job decisions I am not terribly good at making quick or decisive choices. Most of the time I've been pretty lucky (not good, but lucky) at making the "right" choice for a given situation, but in this scenario I really am left wondering what the hell I'm doing and why. Work angst? Most certainly... it is, after all, how I make my living and pay for my necessities as well as my little eccentricities (1040k DSL line, art, etc). Not only that, but there's the fact that I tend to personalize my job a great deal. I do so, I think, because I'm not a perfectionist but because it's very important to me and I take great pride in what I do (Kette, any ideas/comments?). I like knowing I did a job right, I like knowing that I had a part in helping improve something or build something that other people will use or depend upon to do their jobs. That's very important to me, and I put a lot of stock in the things that go on at work, the things that are done and the things that are said. Yes, it's bad to do so, yes, it's bad to personalize your job. But I counter with this: how can you do a good job if you don't feel it reflects upon you as a person in some way?

Work angst aside, I have.... approximately fifteen hours until I depart for Milwaukee. Once there I will drop off Ra, his carrier, his medications, his brush and his food so that Jen can keep an eye on him. Why she graciously volunteered this service is really beyond me, and it leaves me a little worried. I'm not concerned about her ability to care for him as I am about the stress he'll be placed under. He will be boarding at a strange house, occupied by two strange cats and a strange dog, after an hour and a half car trip... none of this can add up to Good Things. I'm worried that the stress might undo the good that has been done the last four or so days. He's only thrown up once since Monday morning, and I think that was because I wasn't able to get the proper dosage of Metoclopramide down his throat. I'd say that drug is probably what's doing the most good for him -- that also makes it inherently the one that is the hardest to give to him, and that he hates the most as well. Two, two, TWO frustrations in one! How efficient.

I've been a bad, bad man and haven't accomplished anything tonight. I have yet to pack clothes, presents or any of the other necessities for the trip. Heck, I haven't even WRAPPED the presents for my parents yet. I have nothing for my father, because he's impossible to shop for. I have nothing for my grandfather, because I don't know what to get him, ever.

I'm a lousy son, I'm a lousy grandson. I procrastinate too much, and I'm not in touch with any of the things that are going on in my family anymore. I've isolated myself almost entirely from them, for better or worse.

The bad part is I seem to like it that way. I'm living my own life. I answer to myself. I have my own circle of friends, I have my own agendas, I have myself to thank for the good and the bad things that happen to me. Accountability, I guess you could call it.

Well, I better pack something tonight. I have a 450+ mile drive to make tomorrow. I'm glad to see that gasoline has come down in price over the last few weeks -- currently it's about $1.05 for the 87 octane gas at my local Mobil station. I haven't seen prices like that since the Gulf War.

I'm an Aerostar, I'm a Cutlass Supreme

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