- My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
- My mother taught me RELIGION. You better pray that it will come out of the carpet.
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!
- My mother taught me LOGIC. Because I said so, that's why.
- My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT. Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.
- My mother taught me IRONY. Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
- My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!
- My mother taught me about STAMINA. You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
- My mother taught me about WEATHER. This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. If I told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate!
- My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
- My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. Stop acting like your father!
- My mother taught me about ENVY. There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.
- My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. Just wait until we get home.
- My mother taught me about RECEIVING. You are going to get it when you get home!
- My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.
- My mother taught me ESP. Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?
- My mother taught me HUMOR. When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.
- My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
- My mother taught me GENETICS. You're just like your father.
- My mother taught me about my ROOTS. Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?
- My mother taught me WISDOM. When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
- My mother taught me about JUSTICE. One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
Mother's Day, Part II (Humor)
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