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Experiments gone wrong... - Paint It Black
Living the American dream one heartbreaking piece at a time
feren
feren
Experiments gone wrong...
Today was a long day, full of its own brand of frustrations and troubles. I won't elaborate upon them, as most of you know what they are already to some degree or another. Little changes by way of improving or fixing itself, instead it only continues to deteriorate. All things continue towards entropy, and the march is an endless one.



What was disheartening for me was another, different event, one that occurred after I'd escaped the tick-tock insanity of my office for the day. I suppose I am in no small way surprised by this. We reap what we sow, or so the old axiom goes. I have had my suspicions for some time now that this attempt I am making at putting things back together is going to fail, and regardless of the facade I put on, I felt deep down that it probably was going to start doing so within a short period of time. Tonight's events provided the proof that I somehow knew would appear because of the overtures I had begun to make. When they cropped up I folded like a house of cards. I lack the internal strength to fix this.

One of the inevitable truths of life is that when you must contend with the decisions that you have made, when you are faced with the very ugly implications of the choices that were made in the past, those decisions and the faulty reasoning behind them are often reflected with uncanny accuracy. When I fuck up, well, I usually do so in a manner so spectacular that I am left with little to no chance to repair the damage. Please notice that I do not say "undo the damage." This is a key point to me, because I do not believe that what is done can magically be undone when it comes to hurt feelings, betrayed trusts or the like. People do not just suddenly forgive you, things do not simply go back to the way they were "before." You pay a penalty for your mistakes, and I believe that the harm that is done can only be repaired to some small degree, with a scar remaining to remind you of what was once there.

I do not know for certain if this propensity for incredibly destructive decision-making on a snap-judgment basis is a trait that has always been a part of me. If it is, then it is one that is expressing itself much more frequently now, in the last 16 months of my life, than ever before. Perhaps it is instead a learned habit that I picked up somewhere along my travels, a habit that I may have seen as "noble" at the time, blinded by the macho vibes it gave off. If that is the case, then I have embraced it and made into a pillar of my personality and psyche in such a manner that I can no longer see it as a separate thing from me. It simply is part of me now, for better or for worse. Either way, it's something that I have little control over, it seems, and it often does its work more quickly than a butcher's knife can perform its own gruesome task.

I was reminded tonight of one of these incredible failures in my life at making the "right" decision. I suppose that I was naive in thinking I might be able to mend some of the damage I had wrought, maybe even make amends with some people (and through those actions find some peace within myself). This evening's events provided conclusive proof that no such redemption is available for me, and that the road I've made for myself is one I cannot turn back on. Perhaps that last statement isn't necessarily entirely true -- maybe it is something I can turn back on, something where I can retrace my steps and try to put things right again. However, it certainly doesn't seem that way to me. Deep down inside I feel like any chance I had at fixing this problem -- this essential flaw within my personality -- is shot to hell and that I'm just better off moving on and saving myself and others any further heartache.

Ultimately, to get back to the topic of tonight's events, it was made quite clear that no, the bridges I burned were so thoroughly damaged they cannot be mended. People are wary of me now, perhaps even angry. I hesitate to say angry, but it rings very close to the truth for me. They certainly are without interest in granting me the second chance I had begun to seek. I can not blame them for their opinions and their attitudes, as I alone brought this upon myself. To quote Neil Young, "once you're gone, you can never come back." I respect their attitudes and will respect their opinions by keeping my presence absent. It's hard to offend somebody if you aren't around them. As a whole I think people will be better off if I remain in isolation.

So here I am, left alone in the wreckage I made for myself, with a path in front of me that I am now hesitant to walk on. I feel regret for my actions, even though that can't make up for them...

You better think about it, I just can't live without it

Current Mood: gloomy gloomy
Current Music: Steppenwolf - Magic Carpet Ride

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Comments
aureth From: aureth Date: October 22nd, 2001 07:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
As perspective, the person who snapped at you can be a rather unforgiving sort, once her mind is made up. I love her to pieces, but 'ware if you ever get on the wrong side of her, because she'll not hesitate to inform you of that fact.

Be that as it may, I miss having you around, online. For what it's worth. And if I didn't make that clear last week, consider it stated, now.
feren From: feren Date: October 23rd, 2001 07:36 am (UTC) (Link)
I know she's a rather opinionated person, and I know that last night I voiced my position on both her and her opinions, probably in such a way that I only reinforced her statement that I "Speak without thinking of whether you'd hurt people you care about ... it's not so useful when you're ranting in a state and accidentally scoring all the people who want to get close to you with your claws."

The bitter irony of this does not escape me.

I guess what really left me staggering is that I simply wasn't prepared for this. I did not expect a "warm welcome" by any means, but to be honest I certainly wasn't planning on anything like the confrontation that took place last night. I was not looking to cross her path, nor was I there looking for a fight. I was there last night in an attempt to reconnect with the past and maybe lighten my mood a little with some of the fonder memories I had associated with that location. I suppose it was just reminiscing and wishful thinking to believe that I could just drop in there without repercussion, but when that encounter took place I simply wasn't ready for it, so I was left confused, cornered and with little choice but to retreat and try to save what I could. Maybe that was the whole point of the exercise from her perspective, I can't say ... and I won't attribute motive or malace to somebody I don't really know anymore.

As I wrote in the entry itself, I'm walking away from this and taking a lesson to heart in the process: I severed the ties and I can't repair them to any extent. I'm just not welcome anymore.

In regard to your final comment, in case I didn't make it clear last night... thank you. I guess I didn't really understand it when you tried to make it clear to me last week, but that.. well, that statement drove it home for me. Thank you. Maybe I can summon up the bravery to try going back again sometime in the future, if only to get the chance to see and talk with you and thus try to supplement the lack of RL contact. For the time being, though, I think I overstayed my welcome. It's better if I just stay absent, since I won't be able to trouble anybody any further if I'm not there.
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