On the other hand, this conversation we had, while perhaps serving to help clear the air between us, really did not help me as much as I might have hoped. I still feel fundamentally disconnected and distant in a lot of ways, not only from this individual in particular but from the whole group of friends I have/had collectively known as the 'Illinois Pack.' Perhaps this is a sign I need to go back to the doctor and discuss going back onto some form of medication, or change my diet, or something health-related. Perhaps this is a sign that my job is too stressful (yet when I compare certain things about my employment situation to that of my friends Aureth or Roho I sometimes feel very guilty complaining about my job here...).
One supposes it could simply be an indicator that I'm just not meant to be a "happy" person. The girlfriend of one of the folks I know once observed that I am "not a very happy person, he never smiles." She's right in what she says, I really have no defense to that remark. I'm also not terribly inclined to disagree with her, either; I never smile, I rarely grin, and I certainly am not what people would call "cheerful." What I do resent in her assessment, however, is one respect: how she looked down on me for this. I most definitely resent the implication that I need to fit into her narrow view of what it takes to be a "good person." I donate to charity, I try to lead a decent life, but just because I don't like having my personal space invaded so some stranger can hug me I'm somehow a lesser person. I guess if I don't grin and laugh and run around like an idiot for half of my waking hours I'm somehow beneath her. Bleah on that, I say.
Let me take a moment to segue way into a topic I touched on briefly a little bit ago, that subject being the perennial favorite of my job. I just want to take a moment to reiterate a key fact here, I do like my job. I loathe the environment I work in. The biggest problem I have with it is the environment. Today's rant on the environment is STRESS. I can cope with stress, even large amounts, over long periods of time. What I cannot cope with is sudden bursts of it rivaling, the amount of angst involved spiraling out of control towards the sky, and then having to respond by going from zero to 200 mph in the span of 4 seconds. Give me time to ramp up and I'll be okay, but drop bombs on me and I start to get a little tattered around the edges. The other way this environment's handling of stress is causing me problems is the way that we cruise along with all these massive projects, massive amounts of stress, and then suddenly have a "quiet" day. Witness the post I put up not four days ago and you'll understand. I had nothing to do, and was all supercharged and jittery from the running around I've been doing for the last four weeks.
This sort of yo-yo action is incredibly detrimental for my health. My body, my immune system, my psyche and my sleep patterns don't know how to react. They can level out for one thing, or the other, but having these sudden gear-shifts really jars things and causes problems. A good example would be this: When you were in high school, you probably took chemistry. If you did, you probably had glass beakers and test tubes that you had to heat over Bunsen burners. What was one of the first things your instructor told you? That's right, "If you have a very hot piece of glass, don't suddenly dunk it in cold water -- the glass will contract too quickly and it will shatter as a result." This is exactly the explanation for how I feel when I go from "RUSH RUSH RUSH FIX FIX FIX FIGHT FIRES SAVE THE WORLD" one day to "sit around and count the ceiling tiles" the next. *BOOM* *SHATTER* Between this analogy and the analogy of yo-yo action I think I've pretty much described the problem. The solution is a simple one, but not likely to happen: hire more qualified people so that we can spread the load a little more, and not be running at such high tension all the time.
Whoops, there I go being logical again.
On a completely different note, Jen will be arriving at the apartment tonight. We leave for Wisconsin tomorrow, sometime in the morning I figure. The drive will do me good, as will the opportunity to get out of the apartment (as well as the state) and into an environment that is more like home for me. I will also have the added pleasure of going site-seeing in places that interest me, and having my sweetie alongside me. Eight hours and counting until she arrives. Wheee! Happy bitchyqitty. :)
Everybody's working for the weekend