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This calls for dusting off an image by ashryn.... - Paint It Black
Living the American dream one heartbreaking piece at a time
This calls for dusting off an image by ashryn....
Yes, there are parts of this entry that are intentionally vague. Cope.

I stayed home from work today. I've a good half-dozen reasons why I opted to do so, but I won't go into them now. What's important is that while I was home and waiting for arphalia to arrive, I had something of a surprise unfold: I found myself in a lengthy conversation online (and then on the phone) with somebody I used to know a long time ago. I can't say that I ever really expected this part of my past to resurface in quite this manner. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that this person and I have some very unhappy history between us. But still, despite all of that, we talked today. We answered questions for one another. I think we were honest with one another. We joked a little. Some of the events of the past were explained. Apologies for those actions and the hurt they caused were offered and accepted. I can say that, looking back on things, the events of all those years ago make more sense to me now. It had always felt like there was something just under the surface that was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that "something didn't add up." Today's conversation has given me a glimpse of the puzzle pieces I couldn't see... and now the picture looks more complete and true.

There would have been a time (and it would not have been all that long ago) that I would have quite literally foamed at the mouth from the mere mention of this person's name. I would have told you in graphic, intense detail what I would say if I was ever confronted by this person again. I knew exactly how I would react, because I had reacted just the same in the past when they showed themselves to me. I knew just how deeply I would wound them as payment for the way I'd been wounded by them in the past -- I would serve as an instrument and would exact the pound of flesh justice I had been denied. I would teach there are consequences to actions. In all, I would live up to everyone's perception of me as a creature that's fueled by high-octane hate and high-tension booze. The opportunity to do all that was presented to me today. All of the anger, hurt and sadness that has been part of my history for so long could have been unleashed in a single heartbeat and I could have struck out at this person (and even, by some standards, been arguably justified in doing so). When the moment of truth came and their identity was revealed, that's exactly what I expected was going to happen. So did they.

But it didn't.

Sometimes I surprise even myself.

Now that I'm thinking it all over, now that I have the "downtime" to replay today's events in my mind, I can only find one way to sum it all up:

....they say things change....
Things change. People change. Maybe, just maybe, even I have changed.

are you brave enough to see?

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful

8 thoughts or Leave a thought
yotogi From: yotogi Date: June 24th, 2005 07:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sure I've told you this before, but... keeping a grudge rolling is fucking exhausting. The hate sees for miles, but it takes the wind right out of you. Consider it exothermic. Your experience may differ, but the older I get, the harder it is for me to keep that mess going. And ultimately it's a waste of your energy; there's no return on your investment, not just of energy but also moments of all-too-finite lifespan.
collie13 From: collie13 Date: June 24th, 2005 07:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well put.
brianblackberry From: brianblackberry Date: June 24th, 2005 07:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am glad things changed that much for the better, from seething bitterness to understanding is quite the corner to turn.
rustitobuck From: rustitobuck Date: June 24th, 2005 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Very fine, just very very fine.

I was very glad to read this. It's so good to see peace happen.
enveri From: enveri Date: June 24th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
I hope this brought some closure for you hon. I'll get the details tomorrow. :)
fiskblack From: fiskblack Date: June 25th, 2005 12:21 am (UTC) (Link)
Aw man. Is this the inverted brain Steve Dallas?
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 25th, 2005 08:46 am (UTC) (Link)

Just very very sorry.


I'd say it more, but then I'd have to say sorry for saying sorry too much. Never the less...I am so very sorry.
equivocally_me From: equivocally_me Date: June 28th, 2005 06:38 am (UTC) (Link)
It bothers me that I can't talk to you about this entry, and even more that it's not because of any grudge we carry toward each other. I miss talking to you. I hate that I haven't made the effort, especially since your letter. I'm sorry that circumstances have changed us. I feel I've lost an irreplaceable friend.

...And no matter what you may be thinking, the blame is not yours alone.
8 thoughts or Leave a thought