Feren (feren) wrote,

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Boom tomorrow?

Okay, so I blew up last night. I went off on a tangent about driving, I attacked people who own SUVs, I made a lot of accusations and in general probably showed more of my true nature than some people wanted to see. It is this very thing that brings me to tonight's entry...

Some acquaintances of mine have expressed concern that this sort of mentality is rapidly becoming a standard for me -- irate, on the edge of explosion, easily triggered and usually feeling that way because of something miniscule. I was going to laugh it off and tell them they've just caught me on a few "off days" ... but the problem is I can't say that.

I'm terribly concerned that they're right, that this is an ongoing issue with me.

Okay, in all fairness part of it is just my personality: I am simply not a "happy person" by nature. I don't do "good morning," I don't smile a lot, I'm not real big on the whole "shiny happy people" scene. I don't take people BSing me well. When somebody gets on my case I turn around and bite them in the ass for their troubles. Excessive cuteness and happiness quickly grates on my nerves. I don't do it. It isn't me. A lot of these symptoms can be attributed to how I was raised, the sort of role models I had as a child, that sort of thing. My father sometimes was far from infinite in his capacity for patience, and wasn't a real "happy happy joy joy" kinda guy. I know for certain that I inherited his short temper on certain issues -- especially when those issues continue to repeat themselves (Sometimes those little things all add up, you know?). But I can tell on a deeper level that what my friends were remarking on is more than just me "having a short fuse". This is, I'm worried, a sign of something greater going wrong upstairs, a short in the wiring that is the ol' gray matter. Without going into gory details I'll leave it at "I've got a history." This history has been with me for some time now, and is something I thought I had mostly under control. Maybe I don't. For a long time now I've felt a little frayed around the edges: I've been having problems sleeping, my eating habits have shifted again, I'm smoking much more often these days. I HAVE been irritable, and in hindsight I have been withdrawing from most of my social contacts. I'm ignoring e-mails and telephone calls, I'm making more rash decisions, and yes, I am always on the edge of blowing up. All in all it points to an upcoming repeat of what I've already gone through, and sweet Jesus in a jumped-up nitrous-powered funnycar, I don't want to go through that again. The expenses aside, the cost to me personally was immense, and it was a terrifying experience. I don't like the feeling of not being in control of my own life. I loathe it, to be completely honest (Since when have you known me not to be?). Maybe, with some focus and dedication I can turn this around. Maybe seek some stress counseling or something. Right now I'm not coming up with many ideas, probably because my brain is too much of a whirling dirvish of thoughts like "Not again."

I'm going to call Jen tonight and talk with her some now that I'm home from work. Maybe I can bring some of this up to her and get some outside opinions. If that doesn't work, I'll probably just curl up in bed and try to get some sleep. With luck that'll clear things up some so I can make some rational decisions. If not, then I'm out of ideas.

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