Feren (feren) wrote,

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I think tomorrow is going to be a big day.

I'm not sure if I have the courage to really go through with my plan. I've envisioned it, I've worked towards it, I've yearned for it... but it's all so uncertain. In a way it's almost surreal, like this is happening to somebody else. I feel almost removed from the proceedings at this point, like things have just taken on a life of their own.

At least, because of this, I've made a pleasant discovery: I can still feel fear. Despite what some people might think, despite what I've been told I steadfastly maintain that fear is a healthy emotion.

If you fear nothing it's only because you have nothing left to lose.

2003 has been a year of monumental loss for me, with two particular blows taking nearly all the remaining fight out of me. Somehow, though, there was redemption awaiting me. A beacon of light found me as I staggered hurt and blind in the darkness, and I owe more than I can express to her. She gave me comfort and aid at one of the lowest points in my life, a time when it would have been so easy to fall back into the old habits and patterns. When I hurt she put salve on my wounds, when I doubted she gave me her strength and helped me find my own again. Without concious thought she gave me a new sense of hope for the future. She showed me the way to safety. I've been given something wonderful in exchange for the losses I suffered, and it's because of this precious gift that I'm here today.

Thanks to her help and the help of all my friends I stand on the threshold of the culmination of two years of blood, sweat and tears.

I hope that I make them proud tomorrow. I hope I make her proud.

She's almost a memory now

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