Feren (feren) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

I think tomorrow is going to be a big day.

I'm not sure if I have the courage to really go through with my plan. I've envisioned it, I've worked towards it, I've yearned for it... but it's all so uncertain. In a way it's almost surreal, like this is happening to somebody else. I feel almost removed from the proceedings at this point, like things have just taken on a life of their own.

At least, because of this, I've made a pleasant discovery: I can still feel fear. Despite what some people might think, despite what I've been told I steadfastly maintain that fear is a healthy emotion.

If you fear nothing it's only because you have nothing left to lose.

2003 has been a year of monumental loss for me, with two particular blows taking nearly all the remaining fight out of me. Somehow, though, there was redemption awaiting me. A beacon of light found me as I staggered hurt and blind in the darkness, and I owe more than I can express to her. She gave me comfort and aid at one of the lowest points in my life, a time when it would have been so easy to fall back into the old habits and patterns. When I hurt she put salve on my wounds, when I doubted she gave me her strength and helped me find my own again. Without concious thought she gave me a new sense of hope for the future. She showed me the way to safety. I've been given something wonderful in exchange for the losses I suffered, and it's because of this precious gift that I'm here today.

Thanks to her help and the help of all my friends I stand on the threshold of the culmination of two years of blood, sweat and tears.

I hope that I make them proud tomorrow. I hope I make her proud.

She's almost a memory now

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.