December 8th, 2003


I think tomorrow is going to be a big day.

I'm not sure if I have the courage to really go through with my plan. I've envisioned it, I've worked towards it, I've yearned for it... but it's all so uncertain. In a way it's almost surreal, like this is happening to somebody else. I feel almost removed from the proceedings at this point, like things have just taken on a life of their own.

At least, because of this, I've made a pleasant discovery: I can still feel fear. Despite what some people might think, despite what I've been told I steadfastly maintain that fear is a healthy emotion.

If you fear nothing it's only because you have nothing left to lose.

2003 has been a year of monumental loss for me, with two particular blows taking nearly all the remaining fight out of me. Somehow, though, there was redemption awaiting me. A beacon of light found me as I staggered hurt and blind in the darkness, and I owe more than I can express to her. She gave me comfort and aid at one of the lowest points in my life, a time when it would have been so easy to fall back into the old habits and patterns. When I hurt she put salve on my wounds, when I doubted she gave me her strength and helped me find my own again. Without concious thought she gave me a new sense of hope for the future. She showed me the way to safety. I've been given something wonderful in exchange for the losses I suffered, and it's because of this precious gift that I'm here today.

Thanks to her help and the help of all my friends I stand on the threshold of the culmination of two years of blood, sweat and tears.

I hope that I make them proud tomorrow. I hope I make her proud.

She's almost a memory now
  • Current Music
    Blue October - HRSA

(no subject)

I need to thank sylverfox for reminding me of the pact that was made during Pathetic Drunk Night. Since I don't want to be one who doesn't hold up my end of the bargain I give you this song, rife with subtle and not-so-subtle innuendo. It is undeniably written with certain connotations in the lyrics, but I challenge you to go back and reread it a few times. This is a song for those who have been used and hurt, forgotten... discarded. Every one of us has been in this position at some point or another. We have been the user, we have been the used. Though it may have been painful I think we shouldn't ever forget the lessons we've learned from those times -- if nothing else they teach us to more fully appreciate the gifts that we have today.

I saw the gravestones
I saw 9 year old boys
Somehow I knew they hated me
You can live as long as you want to live

Lately all I want
Is to be in your hole

Sleep without a dream
As cold as it seems
It's my destiny

How many men have been
In your sacred hole?

(How many dead men, God?)

As I spread her thighs
My life flashes before my eyes
Soothing, disturbing
I'm intoxicated with fear

How many men have died
In your dirty hole?

How many men lay dead
From this killing hole?

I'm sure that the words can be associated to people we all know. Do these words hold any semblence to people you know? For those of you who might be offended because you're vain enough to think these words are about you: they probably are.