September 28th, 2003


(no subject)

For some reason the first few lines of this were floating around in my head when I woke up from a nap this afternoon, and as I slowly gathered my wits about me the words started trying to batter their way out of my skull and onto paper. I thought I should jot it down here so I don't forget the good part, since little snippets like this are prone to slipping my mind shortly after they invade it. These moments of inspiration are rare enough that I've come to realize I need to act quickly to capture whatever it is that's coming my way -- if I procrastinate or ask too many questions then undoubtedly it'll all evaporate and I'll be left with nothing. I wrote down the first four lines without a problem, then I was left to stare blankly at my keyboard. I started wondering what was supposed to come next. Unfortunately it seemed as if that was all there was to it, just those four lines and nothing more. Since I wasn't in any rush to post this and I was feeling a bit of a rush from the sudden blast of inspiration I tried adding some more words, moving entire sentences around and just playing with a couple of the underlying concepts that I perceived. Nothing very good materialized despite my best efforts -- and what did get added in afterward feels awkward forced (for some reason I'm reminded of watching the foals on the farm learning to walk, and how they kept tripping over their long, ungainly legs). Overall I find this to be an exercise that would most likely be best left forgotten. I'm only committing it here because there's a faint chance sometime in the future I might devise a way to salvage it, and if I do I can easily retrieve it at that time.

So... yeah. There's a basic framework here, a fleeting glimpse at whatever concept it was that inspired me, but it's rough-hewn and full of broken edges. I hope that some day I'll get around to refining it, but that day is undoubtedly far in the future.

Rather than reading my words I strongly suggest that you go look at the new art that enveri posted in her journal by clicking here! I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

For those of you who are masochistic, the rambling words are below.
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Quiz Time Part Two

So a while ago I posted an invitation to ask me anything. A lot more people responded than I honestly anticipated, which was sort of cool. I posted the first round of answers and invited more people to participate. Surprisingly a few more people did. Of course I then got my head handed to me by work and was unable to answer in a timely fashion, so I'm going to remedy that problem right now.

daf666: Yes, and it usually occurs after I leave the office. I feel dirty.

calisi: Chemotherapy.

duncandahusky: Well, I suppose I should explain this answer a little bit. Even when I ws little I ws always fond of cats, especially the barn cats that wandered onto the farm now and then. But outside of wishing for a kitten as a pet now and then I didn't really care until 1995 or 1996, and then suddenly -- wham. I blame it on a gentleman who came into the store I was working for at the time. This fellow had one tattooed on his arm, and I think he had one painted on his truck as well. This customer figured that since we sold wildlife art we might have some paintings or lithographs he could buy, but sadly we didn't (I say sadly because I'm sure that if we had he would have cleaned us out). I asked him why he was so "into" that particular animal. I was treated to a twenty-second speech, then he ducked out the door. Afterward I slowly become fascinated by them as well. I did research in the library and on the 'net, and each new thing I learned just seemed to drive me onward, fueling this allure in a way that I simply cannot explain. I guess in part it was because I was intrigued by how rare they are despite the common genetic background they share with their brothers and sisters, how graceful they can be, their fierocity and how incredibly indepentent they are. These animals have a reputation amongst trainers as the most dangerous and unpredictable of any species of big cat, an attitude that's frequently attributed to the treatment they receive as cubs (something about the melanistic coloring makes the mother treat the cub very poorly). It wasn't long after I developed this affinity that I stumbled onto FurryMUCK. I thought for a while about the whole species choice, then it just sort of fell into place.

I find that today I identify with them quite a great deal, especially on the qualities of independence and aggressiveness. There seems to be a misconception where people think I have the character because I want to be "mysterious" and "dark." Simply put, that's wrong.

shiver101: Sadly, m'lady, there are not a lot of moments that I have to choose from in answering your question (there are a lot that would qualify as the exact opposite, however). I guess if I were forced to make the choice... I would say it was when I somehow found the courage to ask RB if I could have the privledge of taking her to her prom. I wanted to make her feel special, to share in one of those experiences in her life that are there and gone in a heartbeat. If I'm very lucky I'll get to feel something similar again some day. When she accepted I think I nearly collapsed.

Thanks everyone. It's been a lot of fun reading these questions, and a very interesting exercise for me in answering them. I hope my responses were just as fun and interesting.

The losing card I'll someday lay
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A new milestone... a new low.

I've just finished a bit of a tour of the history of my journal. As I take a look back at things I see that I have written three private entries in the last three weeks. By private I don't mean "friends only" in any sense of the word -- I quite literally mean private, as in "only I can see them."

Does anybody care to take a guess how many private entries I've written in total to date? If you guessed "three" then you're right! All three of the private entries that I've ever written since this journal's inception have been written in the last three weeks.

When I first started this journal I expressly stated that friends-only entries would be kept to a minimum and private entries would be right out of the question. Here I am, though, two years and three private entries later. This discrepency in what I said I would do and what I really did bothers me a great deal. Each time I found myself faced with the decision about the "security level" of the posts in question I found myself struggling. Each one was fought over a great deal, it was never a snap or trivial decision. In the end I think that I wouldn't have made them private if I didn't have very compelling reasons. To give a brief summary of my reasoning process, I will say this: mainly I had some things that I wanted to write about that I didn't think were suitable for public consumption, and I didn't want to burden my friends with them either. I didn't want to solicit feedback. I didn't want the headache associated with it. See, I'm one of those people who tends to talk to himself when he's addressing an issue. I do so because it helps when I verbalize my problems, I am better able to identify the issues at hand and it allows my mind to wade through it all. It's sort of like a mental housecleaning and inventory, where I can stack all the parts into different bins and label them. Once they're labeled I can step back, take a moment to appraise it all, select the most important thing from the queue and set it on my workbench. Then I go to town, disassembling it, taking it apart piece by piece until I find the problem and have a way to fix it.

For me, a private entry is sort of the text equivalent of that habit of talking things out. The added benefit is that it gives me a chance to record my thoughts and analyze them. I'm able to retrieve it at will for future reference -- this is why I like the LiveJournal concept in general. When I do it as a private entry I'm doing this same thing, but I am doing it without making it something other people have to wade through.

I remain disappointed in myself. It seems like I've just broken a promise. Maybe it's only a small one (and you could say it was meaningless as it really was only made to myself) but it's still disheartening.

I said to my reflection, "Let's get out of this place"
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