March 27th, 2003


I don't need this...

It's 2:18 AM, and I've just spent the last fifteen minutes listening to Ra unload everything his stomach contains, no matter how small. He has defiled no less than seven different spots in my bedroom, including the blankets on the foot of my bed. He's been so sick that in one spot he vomited nothing but water that he'd drank, leaving a miniature obstacle course for me to navigate when I got up to use the bathroom and to try and draw some water to mix with the peppermint soap. It's a good thing I didn't get very far in mixing up the soap and the water because I found we have no paper towels in the household at the moment.

It's 2:18 AM, and I'm seriously considering trying to find a 24-hour Jewel-Osco so that I can buy paper towels to clean up multiple pools of cat vomit. The thought that's screaming through my head over and over is This is not my life.

Of course, this is just something I inherited from my father. The bitchy thoughts about the situation are just ones that run on the surface, hiding the emotional part of me that runs much deeper and is worried sick at this point. This is something like the sixth day in a row over the last ten that Ra's been sick in some form. I had hoped this was a temporary flare of the IBD or pancreatitis (or both, since he's got multiple illnesses), but it's starting to look like this is neither temporary nor a flare-up. I don't know what I can do about it, so I'm going to have to get ahold of the vet tomorrow and renew the prescription for his medication as well as beg for some advice. I just pray they don't need to see him because I can't get the time off from work right now, nor can I really afford to have more unexpected bills show up. I've already done enough damage to myself after my splurge on Sunday at Wherehouse Music, and what little remains of my budget for the month is howling in pain at the thought of a $400 vet bill in addition to everything else I've spent so far in the last week.

Maybe what upsets me the most is that I knew better. I have nobody else to blame but myself for this situation... I got stupid and spent money that I shouldn't have. I knew better.... there's an established history here that every time I see a light at the end of the financial tunnel I end up having to spend all my money on some unexpected expense like vet bills or car repairs, thus sinking myself firmly back into debt for another three months at the minimum. It's very discouraging to be so close to financial freedom only to have it yanked away time and time again. But as I said... I knew the moment I got close to being free and clear of my debt something else would happen, and I chose to ignore that knowledge. Now I'm paying for it in spades.

I guess for the next two days I'm going to have to move Ra's food and water into the bathroom and sequester him in there, although I feel bad about doing it. I don't really have a choice though, as near as I can tell. At least when he vomits on linoleum I can clean it up with a lot more ease and not worry about the carpet getting stained.

I'm very worried about my cat.
  • Current Music
    David Lanz - Cristofori's Dream

State of the feline

After my interrupted night of sleep I got the feeling I wasn't going to make it to work on time. I wasn't terribly wrong... I got up later than usual and spent longer in the shower than I usually do. I suspect that I was procrastinating, trying to find a way to come to grips with the situation at hand and prevent myself from going into a full-blown panic attack.

I left the apartment about 45 minutes later than I should have, but left Ra sequestered in my bedroom. To give the poor little bugger something to keep him entertained while I was gone I left both my windows with the blinds up.

As soon as I was sure the office was open I gave the vet a call from my desk. Unfortunately she was with another client so I gave the secretary the information that I felt was pertinent and asked that she call me back as soon as she could. I actually spoke with Ra's vet around 11:30 in the morning, probably two hours after my initial attempt to contact her. I don't mind the delay... I'm just glad she called me back. I needed to get his Prednisone prescription renewed since his supply was completely gone, and I wanted to consult with her about what direction I should take to try to address his ongoing illness. We discussed the scenario I was faced with at the moment and the steps I had taken thus far to try and remedy it. Ultimately we decided that while it was always a possibility that he had ingested something that was causing him to be sick again it was more likely he was having a full-blown relapse. The doctor confided to me that a number of the IBD/CP cats she's working with have relapses that appear to be in some cases tied to the change of seasons, and in other cases there appears to be nothing going on other than that they had been looked at in a way that didn't quite agree with them. If you're getting the feeling that the vetinary world doesn't really understand the illness that my cat is afflicted with then you get a cookie, because they really don't. They can diagnose and treat it, but they really don't have any true understanding of what's going on within the animal's metabolism and digestive tract or why.

We came up with a game plan after about twenty minutes of discussion: we're going to quadruple Ra's dosage of the Pred for the next two weeks with the goal of "shocking" his IBD back into dormancy. If that succeeds I'll back him down to double his normal dosage for a week, and see how he reacts to that. Once we know that his system has stabilized enough to take that we'll go back to his normal dosage and try to hold him there. It's become pretty clear that we'll never be able to wean him entirely from the steroids, and that's worrisome in its own way... but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I don't know why, but my mood went far, far South sometime this afternoon. I spent the last three or four hours at work feeling completely unmotivated and a little depressed. I drove home, stopped at the vet's office to get Ra's refill and the written instructions on how I should dose him, then made my way home. enveri was already at the apartment since today was the last day of her job. Next week she starts with her new employer, so she decided to make today just long enough to come in, clean out her desk and say goodbye to her coworkers. She was in sort of a funk as well, it seems, so we made good company for one another. At around 6:50 this evening we made our way up to BD's and had dinner. It was nice, because it gave us a chance to talk in a way we don't usually get to. The dinner was awesome, as usual. Steve seated us in Brian's area, and he did a great job of waiting on us. Ben was spending some time on the grill along with the other folks, so we got a chance to talk with him for a bit as well. On the drive home Kes and I did a little reminsicing, talking about our parents and how our fathers in particular influenced our upbringing. It's funny, in a way... my father is a lot like other fathers I'm told about. It makes me sort of proud, because I think the efforts of those other parents have produced some very admirable results in their offspring. If I ever have a child, be it a girl or a boy... I hope I can measure up to be even half the man my father is.

We came back from BDs and once I had fed Ra (having given him a double-dosage before we left for the restaurant) we went our separate ways. Kes went into the bedroom while I opted to take a seat on the futon in the living room. It took me a few minutes to feel like I was really "real" again... part of this funk that I'm in makes everything surrounding me and my life feel almost surreal. I put Blue Man Group's "Audio" into the DVD player, using the 5.1 system roho has supplied the apartment with to help bathe me in sound. I don't know that it did very much to lift my spirits, but it did help give me something to listen to and focus on as I talked with a few friends through the evening on FurryMUCK and over AIM.

After the main music tracks were over on the album I skimmed some of the extra features, listening to the creative series of radio ads the Blue Men have created to promote themselves, as well as watching the "documentary" about them. They also have a section that has diagrams and brief explanations of their instruments. It's rather interesting.

Now it's 10:40 in the evening, and I'm feeling tired and emotionally whiped out. I know that exhaustion only further aggravates my condition when I'm feeling down, so I should probably retire for the night.

But I was smarter than most, and I could choose
  • Current Music
    Cailet maiowing and begging to be fed