That, ladies and gentlemen, is the number of spam e-mails
that I have received since I started keeping track around September 1st, 2001. That's not even a truly accurate accounting statement, now that I think about it... at first I had a hard time remembering I'd embarked upon this little endeavor -- I'd guess that I had probably forgotten to move twenty or more e-mails into the "spam" folder during the first two weeks or so at the beginning of the project. And then there are the ones that got deleted outright because they were just too stupid, obscene or bizarre for me to even attempt to parse and sort for rejection
. That's another handful there, call it around twelve or so. Did you know that you can have your penis enlarged and apply for a bank loan all at the same site? Neither did I until that little piece of joy landed in my inbox. What did I do to deserve this abuse? Nothing I get in the form of dead-tree spam via the post office is as repugnant as some of the things that come across my mailbox. In fact, and I feel guilty admitting this, sometimes the glossy flyers that arrive in my mailbox actually advertise a deal on something I want, like free bread sticks with my Domino's Pizza order, or a free 6-piece Chicken McNugget when I order the new Colon Blocker Combo at McDonald's.
So we have here 262 pieces of mail that arrived in my mailbox over a time span of about five months, occupying 1,813,687 bytes (or 1.8MB if you prefer) of space on the server's disk; that equates to roughly 52 pieces of junk mail a month telling me I can enlarge my sexual organs, locate a loan, find kinky women who will titillate my libido via the impersonal ether of 1s and 0s that is the Internet (presumably leaving me to my own devices to find a method of relieving the pressure that such teasing is supposed to create) despite the fact I have a girlfriend who is more than willing to help accommodate such base desires, find my long lost relatives, repair my credit and much, much more. Those 52 pieces of mail per month translate to a loose figure of one and a half e-mails a day. One and a half e-mails a day at approximately 7kb per shot. I feel sick knowing the $263 a month I spend to have relatively quick Internet service
is being monopolized by porn mongers and jerks who seem to think that by broadcasting their wares into my inbox I will suddenly decide I need to have my home reshingled (I live in an apartment complex).
Who in their right mind buys the crap that is peddled in these obnoxious ads? Anybody with an intellect more developed than that of your average fourth-grader (and even the fourth-grader can figure this out, in my humble opinion) knows that people who send out bulk advertisements are betting against the law of averages. If you're not familiar with the law of averages, let me boil it down to this for you: say some scum ball who wants to make a fast buck sends out an e-mail to 40,000 individual e-mail addresses advertising his latest perversion-filled web site, which is also sporting the latest in Web-based pornography, the incredible 3D Spank-O-Vision. Our entrepreneurial friend here is betting that one percent of the people who get that e-mail will go to view the sixty-nine, count them sixty-nine perversions!
contained within the slugs web bordello. He's further betting that half of the attendees will pay the princely sum of $20 dollars (Visa, Mastercard, AMEX and Discover cheerfully accepted!) to see the aforementioned perversions (which consists of nothing more than recycled jpegs from the various alt.binaries.* Usenet groups, something they could access for free if they had an inkling that there's more to the Internet than just the world wide web
). One percent of forty thousand is four hundred. If half of those visiting people actually pay, that means that 200
people paid this pandering idiot money to see low-res pr0n. 200 * $20 = $4,000. So for paying $19.95 to get a dial up account, and $39.95 to get a list of e-mail addresses, this porn broker has gotten a princely return on his investment to the tune of $3,940.10. God bless America. God bless the brain dead morons
in America who actually do
click on the link in the e-mail and happily pay
this fee, making this a functional, viable method of marketing. Say what you like about being able to stop UCB via laws and proactive efforts, in the long run I daresay we've already lost the battle to keep this "our" Internet. The reason we lost the battle is because a majority of people these days seem to have IQs somewhere in the range of the temperatures seen in the Arctic Circle during winter. Thanks to their insatiable, chimpanzee-like curiosity this slimy weasel has made a tidy profit, thus further reinforcing his belief that what he's doing isn't wrong. I mean, how can he be? He's just a simple businessman providing a service to porn-loving men ages 18-45 everywhere who were tired of spending cold, lonely nights in their parents basements jerking off to the same old porn already on their hard drives. Never mind that 99% of the people our spammer friend bulk-mailed deleted the mail and wished him a warm and eventful trip to spammer hell, he still got those 200 schmucks to cough up their money, so there's clearly a desire for the services he provides.
Maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe these two hundred sad, lonely, socially and mentally-inept individuals deserved to lose their $20. Maybe it's a national service that the porn monger has provided, preventing these people from buying sticks of gum to choke on, thus keeping our national healthcare costs down. I'd like to think that there's a silver lining to this cloud. I'd like to think that other people think first, click later. I
just wish he'd stop trying to provide his rather disturbing services to me, and let me get back to the slightly-less-pathetic task of pulling audio files from the Internet and thus breaking the bank accounts of deserving bands. Yes, I delight in pulling MP3 files from the 'net and funneling my hard-earned dollars into the coffers of some other greedy corporate scheme, thereby sending musicians plunging into bankruptcy and squalor so that they can live out the last part of their lives begging for change outside the local McDonalds and thus resulting in a pitiful individual we can all admire for being a misunderstood genius when VH-1 does a "Where Are They Now" special on them ten years from now.
As we all know, the Internet is bad
and only inhabited by thieves like me.
Or maybe I'm just bitter that all the porn spam I get is written in HTML so it can look pretty for people with programs like Outlook, thus leaving my poor, "hideously out of fashion" text-based e-mail client