October 19th, 2001

ashryn-londohts

Friday morning interlude...

I've been a bad boy on a consistent basis, it would seem. Once again I didn't write in my LJ last night, even though I really should have. I attribute this to general malaise, the fact I was home from work late again, the fact I ended up doing tech support for a bunch of brain-dead vegetables at one of our campuses (from home) and the fact that I ended up having a rather important conversation last night with somebody whom I felt I needed to re-establish a relationship with... not to mention they sort of needed a shoulder to lean on. Once I started talking, I felt a rather pressing desire to say what I needed to say and just get it out of the way, for better or for worse, and all distractions other than this dialog were secondary. Maybe this talk helped things between us, and maybe it didn't. I don't know yet, to be honest, what repercussions my words will have. Maybe it'll be all good things, maybe it'll be all bad things or maybe it will be somewhere in the middle. Currently I'm hoping I at least get the "somewhere in the middle" option, if only because I'm a selfish bastard. The other party certainly had things that needed to be said on their part as well, and I did my best to listen. I understand where they're coming from. I may not agree with it, but I understand it. Overall they said they'd already pretty much forgiven me. That statement rather floored me, because, well, it just goes to prove that most folks out there are more rational than I.

On the other hand, this conversation we had, while perhaps serving to help clear the air between us, really did not help me as much as I might have hoped. I still feel fundamentally disconnected and distant in a lot of ways, not only from this individual in particular but from the whole group of friends I have/had collectively known as the 'Illinois Pack.' Perhaps this is a sign I need to go back to the doctor and discuss going back onto some form of medication, or change my diet, or something health-related. Perhaps this is a sign that my job is too stressful (yet when I compare certain things about my employment situation to that of my friends Aureth or Roho I sometimes feel very guilty complaining about my job here...).

One supposes it could simply be an indicator that I'm just not meant to be a "happy" person. The girlfriend of one of the folks I know once observed that I am "not a very happy person, he never smiles." She's right in what she says, I really have no defense to that remark. I'm also not terribly inclined to disagree with her, either; I never smile, I rarely grin, and I certainly am not what people would call "cheerful." What I do resent in her assessment, however, is one respect: how she looked down on me for this. I most definitely resent the implication that I need to fit into her narrow view of what it takes to be a "good person." I donate to charity, I try to lead a decent life, but just because I don't like having my personal space invaded so some stranger can hug me I'm somehow a lesser person. I guess if I don't grin and laugh and run around like an idiot for half of my waking hours I'm somehow beneath her. Bleah on that, I say.

Let me take a moment to segue way into a topic I touched on briefly a little bit ago, that subject being the perennial favorite of my job. I just want to take a moment to reiterate a key fact here, I do like my job. I loathe the environment I work in. The biggest problem I have with it is the environment. Today's rant on the environment is STRESS. I can cope with stress, even large amounts, over long periods of time. What I cannot cope with is sudden bursts of it rivaling, the amount of angst involved spiraling out of control towards the sky, and then having to respond by going from zero to 200 mph in the span of 4 seconds. Give me time to ramp up and I'll be okay, but drop bombs on me and I start to get a little tattered around the edges. The other way this environment's handling of stress is causing me problems is the way that we cruise along with all these massive projects, massive amounts of stress, and then suddenly have a "quiet" day. Witness the post I put up not four days ago and you'll understand. I had nothing to do, and was all supercharged and jittery from the running around I've been doing for the last four weeks.

This sort of yo-yo action is incredibly detrimental for my health. My body, my immune system, my psyche and my sleep patterns don't know how to react. They can level out for one thing, or the other, but having these sudden gear-shifts really jars things and causes problems. A good example would be this: When you were in high school, you probably took chemistry. If you did, you probably had glass beakers and test tubes that you had to heat over Bunsen burners. What was one of the first things your instructor told you? That's right, "If you have a very hot piece of glass, don't suddenly dunk it in cold water -- the glass will contract too quickly and it will shatter as a result." This is exactly the explanation for how I feel when I go from "RUSH RUSH RUSH FIX FIX FIX FIGHT FIRES SAVE THE WORLD" one day to "sit around and count the ceiling tiles" the next. *BOOM* *SHATTER* Between this analogy and the analogy of yo-yo action I think I've pretty much described the problem. The solution is a simple one, but not likely to happen: hire more qualified people so that we can spread the load a little more, and not be running at such high tension all the time.

Whoops, there I go being logical again.

On a completely different note, Jen will be arriving at the apartment tonight. We leave for Wisconsin tomorrow, sometime in the morning I figure. The drive will do me good, as will the opportunity to get out of the apartment (as well as the state) and into an environment that is more like home for me. I will also have the added pleasure of going site-seeing in places that interest me, and having my sweetie alongside me. Eight hours and counting until she arrives. Wheee! Happy bitchyqitty. :)

Everybody's working for the weekend
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    excited excited
groat

And now for something completely different...

One, I hate mornings with a passion only rivaled by my hatred of ignorance. It doesn't matter how much sugar and caffeine I ingest, if I get up before my magic hour (10:30am) I am left feeling lightheaded and prone to fits of yawning, as well as unable to consume anything without my stomach attempting to jump through my larnyx. The earlier I get up, the worse these conditions get. Today I got up at roughly 5:50 in the morning so that I might come in to work early and get some things done before the madness began. I am feeling that early hour quite keenly now, as I'm yawning, my ear is ringing, and I feel particularly lightheaded. My father often referred to this condition as being "punch-drunk," and I find that to be fairly apt.

Additionally, I have a question for the masses: Why do I insist on punishing myself? I know that my digestive system cannot handle grease, fat or any of those various things in large quantities. McDonald's fries nearly kill me. Krispy-Kreme donuts are also on the "do not partake" list, yet I cannot seem to resist them. A coworker brought in donuts about 40 minutes ago, and I ate a small one (chocolate with chocolate glaze). Now I am in incredible amounts of discomfort, and I'll leave it at that before I get into TMI land.

Let's run the numbers here: Flash-fried ring of dough + sugary glazing on fried dough + the fact I cannot eat ANYTHING in the morning without being sick = one very ill-feeling person right now. Good lord I must be a glutton for punishment to do this to myself.
  • Current Mood
    sick sick