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Up and about... - Paint It Black
Living the American dream one heartbreaking piece at a time
feren
feren
Up and about...
I was finally forced out of bed by Ra at around 0910 this morning, far earlier than I really wanted to get up. I knew that I had to tend to his wants and needs despite my objections when he started knocking objects off my nightstand and onto my head to protest my laziness. My alarm clock is heavy, gang. Fortunately it missed the spot I'd already banged up on my forehead during the Cisco 4006 debacle (I scraped it quite badly on one of the 66 blocks) and instead landed on my pillow just short of my nose. I had no idea the little black monster had that much strength in him.

Who needs a drill instructor when they can own a cat?

So while I was up I slouched into the kitchen, grabbed a cinnamon bar for breakfast and returned to my bed. I made short work of the breakfast bar and then started my ritualistic worship of the electronic interface by reading the latest entries my friends have made on LJ, checking my e-mail and logging onto IRC. What I really should be doing right now is taking a shower and getting ready for the day ahead of me. I know that I need to go over to Sam's Club, and in last night's entry I made noises about taking the truck over to the car wash but I'm lacking the initiative to take care of that chore. I'm lacking the motivation to do a lot of things that need doing today, actually. My overwhelming desire at this moment is to go back to bed and sleep the day away because for some reason I'm still quite tired despite my ten hours of sleep from last night. To make matters worse I'm frustrated on some fundamental level that I just can't quite put a finger on, and it's coloring my entire outlook on the day.

Something isn't right, and I don't know what it is. I think that the sense of ... lack of direction, the build up of nervous energy that I've had over the last few days has been evidence of this imbalance. What's driving me nuts is that I can't put a finger on what the problem really is, and if I don't know what it is I can't very well fix it, can I? The perfectionist in me is frustrated by this inability to take some sort of corrective action, which sort of feeds the frustration I'm already feeling.
I don't know why I'm feeling like things are off. So much is finally going my way, I should be ecstatic...but I'm not for whatever reason. Every month I'm paying off huge amounts of my revolving debt, and I should derive immense satisfaction from watching my balance drop closer and closer to zero. I just spent three memorable days last week to see a good friend married to a lovely lady and I live with two awesome people whom I am blessed to consider friends. I get paid well to do the things that come naturally to me (I was born to route IP traffic, I swear). I shouldn't be feeling like something is wrong when I have a cat that loves me the way Ra does, a new truck arriving in two to three weeks, awesome music on the way from Amazon and solid plans to finally buy a house after two years of planning, pinching and scraping and making painful choices. The house is an immense thing in my life, a goal that I've had my sights on for so long I almost can't remember a time when I wasn't working towards it. It's the culmination of years of effort and finally I'm going to achieve it... and in less than six months, no less. I'm living the American Dream here.

So why do I feel like I can't wake up?

Bah, enough of this self-pity angstfest. It's time to get into the shower, get dressed and get out to do the things I need to do. See y'all on the flip side.

Boom

Current Mood: apathetic apathetic
Current Music: Clint Black - Half Way Up

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Comments
tuftears From: tuftears Date: August 9th, 2003 11:31 am (UTC) (Link)
I have to admit that's funny that Ra goes to such extreme measures to wake you up. ('gryn) Could have been very ouchy, but really.
linnaeus From: linnaeus Date: August 9th, 2003 11:45 am (UTC) (Link)
That's called a warning shot across the bow, and it's the sort of thing that lost my cats their bedroom privileges. Next thing you know you'll be waking up with a mouse head in bed next to you...
From: almanzo Date: August 9th, 2003 12:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good thing for me Serefina likes her privacy to shit on the kitchen counter without me being there to see it and do something about it.

I don't know what it is about feeling like shit even though things should be absolutely excellent for you. I guess it's that one unidentifiable thing deep down that needs to be straightened out, but you can't place it.

I'm grateful to have been spending a little less time in a perpetual funk.
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