Feren (feren) wrote,
Feren
feren
  • Mood: tired
  • Music: computer fan whirring, Ra being talky

It's been an interesting couple of days.

It's 2338 hours right now, and I'm both physically and emotionally wiped out. Today went pretty well until I left work, then it all just sort of slid downhill at an ever-increasing rate. It started with massive traffic jams on I-290 (again) and just got progressively worse. The low point of this particular Tuesday was a rather nasty bit in the evening wherein I suspect I completely ruined a friendship I valued because I got fed up and said exactly what I felt had to be said. This might not have been so detrimental to my friendship if I hadn't stripped away any semblance of civility I might have had when I said it. I find it disturbs me to some extent that burning out friendships -- usually the valued ones -- has become something I seem to be remarkably good at doing. This is easily the fourth or fifth time I've done something like this, where something inside me just reached a boiling point and I snapped and started saying what was on my mind in as brutal and blunt a manner as possible because I couldn't take any more of the way things had been going. I feel bad about what was said and how it was said, I really do. Yet I'll stand by what I said, because I feel it's the truth. I guess the real pisser of this deal is that much like a previous situation I said what I said because I care very strongly for the person in question and don't want to see them hurt. Maybe I would do well to remember the old wheeze about how you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. People have to make mistakes for themselves. I committed this particular transgression on my own, my friend has a similar situation where only they can make the decision one way or another if they're going to let themselves be hurt.

I need to learn to let go and stop meddling, to stop trying to steer things when I see it's not going the way I think it should. I have this very same problem at the office -- when I see a project going awry, or bad decisions being made, I get very frustrated and step in to try and "own" the project or "influence" the decision because I feel I know best. Sometimes I'm right and the wrong decision is being made, but I shouldn't try to correct it so forcibly. I should learn a gentler approach, to try and guide things onto what I perceive to be the correct path and if it doesn't go that way on its own I should step back and tell myself "so be it." I bet I could do wonders for my stress levels and blood pressure by following this advice, and it's advice I've been given a few times before by other people and something I know to be the truth. No matter how good the advice is, though, I just can't seem to let go because I have a drive to see things done the way I perceive to be the right way. Frustrating, and in some cases (as above) potentially dangerous to me and others.

Maybe I didn't ruin the friendship; maybe cooler heads will prevail or we'll work to put it behind us and continue to be friends. I'd like to think that our bond is made of something that's strong enough to withstand this, but the pessimist in me says that I dealt this a pretty heavy blow. So yeah, I would like it if we did make up and move on, but... the pessimist in me says be prepared to reap what I've sown tonight, and if I don't hear the words "go pound sand up your ass" the next time I see them I'll be rather surprised.

I don't think I'll detail any further than that right now.

Tomorrow, if I can get a lull at work, I'll write about the past five days. There have been some interesting things going on in my life this last week or so. I won't say they're earth-shattering by any means, but they're certainly not the same old thing either, so deserve to be written about. I don't think I'll back-date it since there's really no use in my doing so at this point.

Hopefully more tomorrow.

I believe it's time for me to fly
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