Feren (feren) wrote,

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The world has gone to hell in a hand basket. Why do I even bother continuing?

I mean what I said above in all seriousness. For some reason the minute I have a ray of hope that this world isn't the hell-pit I think it is, the moment something brightens my day, the very second I feel like something has gone right for once everything comes crashing down around me. Today was one of those days, where it all seemed to be finally lining up, where it seemed like it was my turn in the sun. I should have taken that for the omen it was and retired to bed. Instead, like a fool, I stayed up and tried to milk just a little more pleasure from my day.

It all started well enough. I got up on time with no problems, despite having an abbreviated number of hours for sleep. I got to work ahead of time, and tore into the problems I'd left there from the week previous, right on time. My manager wasn't around, but my supervisor noted that I was in the office smack-dab at 7:30 in the morning, so he was pleased because it was one thing less for AC to bitch about, one less thing he could try to leverage against me. I spent my morning sorting through voicemail and then hit the ground running by opening a trouble ticket with HP to see if they could solve the problem with our network management server that had befuddled me for three days straight.

After I got the ticket open LiinSara logged on, and although her stay was short it was a wonderful chance to see her. Every minute that she's around I feel like I'm one of the luckiest men in the world. I don't know what I've done to earn her affections but I won't question it, I plan to just keep doing my best for her. There's no feeling in the world like having her log in and spend time with me, even though she's all that distance away. Since I haven't seen her in a number of days it was a chance for us to briefly catch up as well as a chance for me to tell her how much I'd missed her. Maybe I'm being overly sentimental, but having her around does a great deal to calm me. I feel like I can tell her anything. After all-to-short of a stay her work drew her away and she logged off for the rest of the day. I was glad just to get that short period of time to share her company. That was positive thing number two for the day.

Lunch was unremarkable. Atkins flakes with almonds, a diet vanilla coke from the cafeteria, some cheese crunches and a beef jerky stick comprised my midday meal. A few more hours were spent readying some paperwork, and then at 1530 I had a meeting with AC, my supervisor DR and my manager. It went remarkably well; AC was chastised for directing me to violate our license agreement, I made a presentation that seemed to please RL for the most part, and I was given direction to go ahead and try to finish the OpenView product. Finally, at long last, I was going to be able to put this monumental task to bed and show that my recommendation was a good one and my time on the project (over six months) was money well-spent! That was positive thing number three. After the meeting was over we all sat and talked about inconsequential things, namely guns (RL is going to take a trip to Upper Michigan, and will get a chance to carry his handgun with him for protection against the bears on the property he's going to be visiting) and the Matrix sequel that just came out last week (RL thinks that with my sunglasses and my trench coat I make a very good case for our office building to have a metal detector. I believe his exact words were, "I expect you to come in some day and throw back the coat, revealing every imaginable weapon strapped to your person. "Mister Anderson!""). We all had a good chuckle, and by the time the meeting broke it was quarter after 1600 and it was time for me to go home.

My drive was quiet as always, since the radio in my pickup is still broken. The traffic was unusually light and I made it home in a reasonable amount of time. I sat down with enveri and watched an episode of The Simpsons that made absolutely no sense, and is probably one of the worst I've ever seen -- and that's saying something, since all we get to see most days is reruns from the more recent seasons (which pretty much all universally suck, in my opinion).

I watched most of an episode of "That 70s Show," then hauled myself off the couch and into my bedroom with the intention of working on my photographs from my trip to California. I logged on to the various games I'm frequently on, and was surprised to see RB on. For those of you just picking up the thread, RB is the girl I took to her high-school prom in 2001. I made a choice between her and jenwolf, and to this day I still don't know if what I did was right. I'm left with a lot of regrets on both sides of the fence, and I tend to think of RB as "the one who got away." I still care a lot for her, I want her to succeed at all the things I think she could succeed at, I want her to reach out and grab the brass ring that I know I missed when I was her age. She has everything going for her... but she's been unhappy, withdrawn, quiet in these last 8 months. So we talked, and she asked how I was, and I asked how she was. When I rehashed my current state I mentioned that I was single again, something that I had forgotten she already knew because we'd talked once, about four and a half months ago, right after Jen and I had the final big fight. And while we were talking, she started to tell me about her relationship status now. She's back together with the boy she dated after me, and she's back in Kansas for her summer break from school. She's living with the fellow now, actually. I should have been happy for her, and on some level I was. Conversely, though, I wasn't. I was saddened, jealous in a way. Maybe I felt it was confirmation that she's the one who got away. Then she started to tell me about some of the things that have gone on recently with regards to intimacy, and that made me feel worse, because right now loneliness is one of the most difficult things I've been dealing with since the breakup with Jen. The bomb came in the last message....

From afar, [REDACTED] dated a guy at school for several months, but both decided they were much better off as friends. Still friends, very rarely awkward. Randomly fooled around a bit with a friend a couple times (in the lightest since), which she'd have never thought could be unawkward, but it really was just fun & games. But then there was a not-entirely mutual and very-drunk experience with a certain guy one night, and now her friend (who knows the whole thing) is dating said guy. Very odd situation. On the whole, she's not sure what, if anything, all this has taught her about relationships.

I was stunned. I was completely taken aback, shocked and horrified at what I was reading. I still, to this moment, don't think there is a word to describe exactly how I was feeling. You see, where I come from anything that was "not-entirely mutual" is called rape. Consent, mutual desire is a pretty simple thing. It's either present, or it isn't. Yes, or no; one or zero, very binary. There's no shades of gray here, no "not-entirely." A moment of horrible clarity came upon me, and then my world fell apart. This explained her silence, the non-existant self esteem she had evidenced; this explained why her grades had been slipping, the depression she'd admitted to. This explained why she has enjoyed none of the pleasures, and has felt everything is an effort. I understood now why she would "rather just fall asleep, have some nice dreams, and never wake up from that fantasy world." She couldn't understand why she felt the way she did, but I could. She was in denial about what amounts to rape, no matter what the circumstances. I sat in my chair for a moment longer before I could even bring my hands up to the keyboard. I couldn't make myself type, I was trembling so much, so I put my hands back down and tried to pull myself together. I was experiencing a wash of emotions that I simply couldn't cope with from before mixed with new ones from this revelation: Fury. Guilt. Sadness. Jealousy. Concern. Fear. Worry.

Finally I managed to type something... and it was all I could manage to get it out before I fled.

Long distance to [REDACTED]: Roland 's eyebrows lift, and he leans back in his chair for a minute. With a sigh he shakes his head, takes your hand in his and squeezes briefly before letting go. "I think I should go now. This... is not an appropriate way for me to be feeling. I need to sort a few things out. I wish you the best."

And then I disconnected, from everything. Somewhere upstairs, a man in a control room saw the needles all spike into the red and he made the decision to throw the lever to disconnect me. I staggered into the living room, made a strong drink and made my way onto the porch. I hunted up my lighter, got the cigarettes from roho's car and started smoking while I drank. Roho and Kestral joined me and provided an ear and shoulders for me while I ranted, raved and nearly broke down into tears. Finally I lapsed into a morose silence, and sat there, glaring over my drink Eventually Roho and Kes suggested we go to Bumpers, the pool hall down the street, so that I could take out my aggressions on something other than myself or my vocal chords. It's probably good that they did, if I had stayed around the apartment I likely would have punched a hole in the wall. We went, we played, I lost two games and I think I won the rest. I didn't pay attention, I just focused on trying to put the balls in the pockets, to try to channel all the overflow of emotion I was feeling into every shot that I made.

We left at about 2145, having been there for at least two hours. I sat in the back of Roho's car and all I could feel was the warm heat in my wrists from the carpal tunnel, and the emptiness inside me since all the raw emotion had been drained out of me at last. I felt empty, yet I was still not completely empty, because my mind kept running even on the ride back....

At this point in my life, I'm left with no certainties, just questions. How could this happen? Why did I run from her? Why did I let her get so far away? What can I do to help? How come I feel so lost? How could this happen? What if I hadn't let her go, could I have helped, could I have prevented this from happening? Why has this upset me so much? Why haven't I let go of her yet? Am I attracted to LiinSara because she reminds me of RB, because she has so much within herself, a bright future with a personality that has so much drive and intelligence and charm? If I am, does that mean I'm cheating what I felt for RB? Worse yet, does it mean I'm cheating what I know I feel for Liin? What do I do now? Where do I turn?

I'm left with no answers for my questions.

I lied. I do have a certainty: I want the name of this fucking bastard, this greedy, twisted animal who only cared about getting his dick wet. I want his name and I'll take the rest from there. I want to get his address, I want a flight out to his state, and I want to get a rental car. Once I'm there I want to hunt the pathetic excuse for a human down and take his fucking kneecaps off, and then when I'm done with that I want to circumcise the thief with a fucking golf club. If he's circumcised already, well, I'll just take a bit more skin off. What will it matter if I do? He deserves to be castrated! He's taken something that can't be given back, stolen something precious from her. He is why she's not the shiny girl I once knew, he is why she's not happy anymore with her life. He took the light from inside her and while he may not have completely extinguished it.... he's the person responsible for smothering it and hurting her.

The other certainty is I'll never be able to displace my fury on him. I'm utterly, totally without power to do anything about it.

All around us is death. All around us is destruction. And now... somebody I clearly still care deeply for has had something taken from them that can never be given back, has been violated in the most heinous way imaginable. This makes everything I have worked for an dreamed of seem so small and trivial that I don't know where to begin.

I don't want to be part of this world, if this is what happens to the people I loved. I fear even more now for the people I hold dear.

No colors anymore I want them to turn black

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