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Twice in one week... - Paint It Black
Living the American dream one heartbreaking piece at a time
Twice in one week...
This week has now had two nights I'm really wishing hadn't occurred. I hate it when the past comes up from behind me and clips me in the back of the skull with a seven-pound Physics primer. I'm left doubled-over, seeing nothing but stars and wondering what in the frell just clobbered me.

Tonight one of my ex-girlfriends (one of the two non-insane ones I have) logged onto FF, the MUSH I first met her on. It wasn't long after she logged in that she paged me with a greeting, which I reciprocated in kind. We fell into discussion, as acquaintances who haven't seen one another in a long time are wont to do. The conversation quickly turned to what's going on in her world now that she's out on her own, at a prestigious university on the East Coast, living her own life and expanding her horizons. The status report I got back was not encouraging. As always she's involved with a lot of activities outside of class, which keeps her busy to the point she's too busy and is always tired. Her academic drive is beginning to slip. She's beginning to believe she doesn't really like this school, and may want to transfer somewhere else. The relationship with her boyfriend is on the rocks, and she's still not over the boy she started seeing after she and I broke up. She's tired of relationships and how they don't seem to work for her on the Meaningful Level, so is considering turning to Emotionless Sexual Contact to see what life on the other side of the spectrum is like. She affirmed that she's still straight (I didn't ask), but is going out with her associates (she never really called them "friends") every week to hang out at the campus lesbian night club. It seems that she's depressed and generally unhappy, but isn't coming out and saying it directly.

It's hard to watch somebody you cared about say things like this, and know that it's not your place to say anything or do anything. It's even harder to see these things and know that you're not supposed to feel anything anymore. It's hard to hate yourself for feeling like you're a callous bastard for not offering a shoulder to the extent they seem to want or need. It's hard to hate yourself for feeling like you're too close and not distancing yourself enough. I'm caught between the two possibilities and I'm hating it. I wish that she and I had never been that close. I wish we'd not ended on "friendly" terms, I wish we had a screaming knock-down gouge-the-eyes fight that left us both hating one another's very existence. It'd be so much easier that way.

Of course the conversation also touched on what's new in my world. What's going on? Well, I'm packing up to move out of the apartment. I'm gearing up, albeit slowly, to buy the house. How's the cat been? Ra's been fine, he hasn't relapsed significantly in a number of months now so he must be in remission. That's good, because pilling him is a small price to pay to keep from him getting that sick ever again. Seeing anybody? Oh, man, that's the one I was dreading. She can talk about herself all she wants. I can talk about a number of things, but I don't want to talk about my relationships, not with somebody I was seeing. *sigh, and answer anyway* No, I'm not really seeing anybody anymore. Did you and Jen break it off? That's too bad. In a manner of speaking we broke it off, yes. She and I still care deeply about one another and are still close friends. She and Jim are happy together, which makes me happy in a small way, since they seem to be a very good match. I encourage that, because it's important to me that my friends are happy. You sound like you're not too thrilled about being single again. No, I'm not. I'm not at all pleased to be back in the dating pool. It isn't being single that bothers me, it's the sickness of the dating game that bothers me. In fact, I don't want to play the game anymore... I'm getting out of the dating pool, I'm grabbing a towel, and I'm heading for the nearest juice bar to dry off and get a drink I'm through with the scene for the foreseeable future. To be really honest I'm actually becoming repulsed by the idea of dating. Hell, I think I'll be fine as a twenty-something bachelor who lives with some fish and a cat in a house that's too big for him, spending too much money to maintain a high-maintenance lifestyle like all the other decently-paid middle-class people. That's a shame, you're a real catch. I wish you could find Somebody, but there's always a catch, isn't there? But yeah, you do sort of have expensive tastes, don't you?

That's where the conversation essentially halted because her buddies were there to pick her up for the run to the nightclub. She told me before she left that she wanted to call me, that I should e-mail her my updated contact information. I didn't really respond, just wished her a good night and then she logged off.

I have no idea how I should be responding to this on a higher level. Emotionally, at the most primitive level I am experiencing a mixture of sadness, concern, and a strong desire to avoid all future contact with her (She's in my past, there's nothing I can do to help. I should just get it out of the way so the closure I achieved doesn't get all fucked up). But up higher, intellectually, I'm simply numb. I don't know what to think of this, and a part of me says don't bother thinking about it, just put it aside and leave it be. Yet the analytical side of me wants some sort of conclusion to be drawn, a decision to be made.

I simply don't know what to think, but one thing does crop up: I need to take a vacation from the MUCKs and MUSHs, and focus more on myself so that I don't get distracted by things like this.

This, mixed with the events of Sunday have not left me feeling at all stable. It has also combined with the events of Sunday to leave a very bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to relationships and where I stand with a number of them. I'm tired of tasting bile when I think about where I stand with people. I want to stand firmly in a place where none of this trepidation, none of this worry exists, and no more of this pain can reach me.

In some cases that means pushing people away. That is starting to look like the only viable option.

Tomorrow I think I'll just try to immerse myself in work.

I don't know whether I believe in me

Tags: , , ,
Current Mood: sad sad
Current Music: Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Barstool Blues

8 thoughts or Leave a thought
gen From: gen Date: November 7th, 2002 06:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Feren, this is just one of those pointless comments that come out at moments like this... but I feel it needs to be said because I think it might help you a little.

I was thinking about you today. Simply in the respect of "I like feren. I hope to meet him someday. If he lived here in Orlando I'd probably adopt him and take him out to dinner and movies whenever I could because he seems like the stype of person what would enjoy that."

So you were in my thoughts, and I think very highly of you. I just thought I'd say that.
chebutykin From: chebutykin Date: November 7th, 2002 07:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
I hope you do have the chance to meet Feren someday. He is a fantastic person, and I love him dearly. And he's very good for taking out to dinner and movies.
roho From: roho Date: November 8th, 2002 09:39 am (UTC) (Link)
She just needs to come out to Chicago, and stay with me, Kes and Feren all in one fell swoop. We've got a comfy futon out in the living room, an obnoxious stinky cat, and a cleverly mischievous cat! Not quite the same as an evil soul-stealing fat cat, but it's better than nothing :)
enveri From: enveri Date: November 8th, 2002 12:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Agreed! Roadtrip for Gen and Scott! :)

chebutykin From: chebutykin Date: November 7th, 2002 07:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
You are getting the biggest hug ever when I see you at MFF, and you can't do anything to deter me from that. So there. *grin*
yakko From: yakko Date: November 7th, 2002 07:58 pm (UTC) (Link)

dating pool

I've only ever had one girlfriend, and I'm not sure it was even a real relationship.

I haven't been able to try getting another girlfriend since.... and this "dating game" crap is -the- reason I don't see fit to try again. Not to say that I'd turn down something that just came up, but I don't see the value in wasting my energy on actually trying to convince someone that I'm all that. I've always felt cheap when I've attempted this.

At least I can understand what you're going thru, or try to. . . :o(
lcremeans From: lcremeans Date: November 7th, 2002 10:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hmm. Looks like you're basically where I landed not too long ago, though I was there for slightly different reasons (in essence, they pushed me away for being obnoxious). I've thought about it many times...asking myself things like "should I try to creep back in and try to mend fences?"

The answer I keep coming back with is that I should just give up and move on. Trying time and again to be friends with people that don't like me (and that I wasn't crazy about myself, honestly) is jut going to be a waste of time and trouble. As for your friend...I'm not sure. I think the best thing would be to just stay back and not get too involved/entangled with things.

As for the dating pool, I've never been a big fan of it myself. Generally, while I've always longed for someone to be with and consider a true love, I've never really liked the idea of "dating" as most people know it. I don't go out much because I have a hard time dealing with certain people, especially in an environment like a singles bar or club (where, as far as I know anyway, people are more concerned about getting drunk and fucking than actually finding someone they can live with). Some of that is probably unfounded fear, but to be honest, I'd rather meet my beloved in a quiet place or online. I think I'll probably have better luck now that I'm not chasing girls based on some old crush.

Like Yakko, I've also only had one girlfriend; our time as a couple was pretty short (about 6 months), but unlike my other attempts at wooing IRC women, I actually got lucky -- this was a girl I felt drawn to even without having seen a picture, and she actually looked good when I finally got to meet her ^_^ THat and we're still friends, mostly after that; I haven't spoken to her in a while, though, since she's rarely online anymore.

enveri From: enveri Date: November 8th, 2002 03:06 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't think that relating my own experiences here will really help you, especially since I don't think you're really wanting that happily ever after with the woman of your dreams- just wanting a chance to be happy yourself.

All I can say is.. I've been there as well. My past still floats up and wrenches me to pieces, even though I've been very happy with Bren. I guess what I'm saying, Fer.. if you need a shoulder, you've got one. What I said yesterday about the support system is true- I don't think you're used to leaning on people; you're one of those that resolves his issues himself in private. Just want you to know that if you can't tackle it alone, there are people that love you, that will support you.

8 thoughts or Leave a thought