ashryn-londohts

What it is to be present on the hinge of destiny

Some of you will remember Babylon 5. Maybe some of you will discover it because of my post this evening. In any case, the message of G'kar's monologue remains the same.




The moment that resonates with me the most is when we are told: Greater than the death of flesh.... is the death of hope.

Hold on. Hold on to hope.

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ashryn-londohts

Today marks three years

Three years ago I made the most difficult decision of my life, and in so doing bid farewell to my best friend. Daddy misses you so much, Ra. I will never forget your amazing personality and how you'd look at me with those eyes full of love. We shared the most amazing journey together. I wish we could have traveled together longer. I will see you at the Bridge.



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Sakuranym - Feren_profile

Gotcha day for Harlow and Ulysses

Today has been a big day! It is official as of this afternoon: big black Ulysses is now my kitty. He passed his "interview week" in our safe room with flying colors, so I signed the paperwork to adopt him. He will never be able to replace my beloved Ra, but Ulysses has a personality as big and loving as his 17 pound self. As if that was not enough, I also signed the papers to make orange cheetoh Harlow officially part of my household. He is a "foster fail," we've been housing him for the animal shelter we volunteer with since September 10th, 2014. I can't imagine my home without him now!




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ashryn-lurve

Remembering Ra



Just a photo of my best friend, taken on October 16th, 2011. Today (April 3rd 2015) marks the 3 month anniversary of his passing over the Rainbow Bridge.

Thank you, Ra. Though losing you was devastating, I want to remember you as you were in hale and hearty days.

Thank you for sharing your journey and all of your love with me. Daddy misses you dearly, buddy.

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atomicfiction_sad

For my friend IH

... who lost his own beloved black cat today, I share this to the journal to memorialize her passing and try to find some solace of my own.

"A Cat's Prayer"

A Pets Prayer
If it should be, that I grow frail and weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then, you must do what must be done
For this, the last battle, can't be won.
Don't let your grief stay your hand,
For this day more than the rest,
Your love and friendship stand the test.
We've had so many years,
What is to come can hold no fear.
You'd not want me to suffer, so
When the time comes, please let me go.
Take me where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me to the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you'll see it is a kindness you do for me
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.
Don't grieve it should be you who this thing decides to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years,
Don't let your heart hold tears.
SMILE, FOR WE WALKED TOGETHER FOR AWHILE.

-- Author: Unknown

He didn't make this choice; he had no warning. My friend had nothing that could have prepared him for his sweet girl's passage from our world to the next. Bast called her home, and it was very hard. The circumstances are such difficult ones that, if I could, I would take them from him. I want to take his pain, his grief, his anger and his regret away... but I cannot. All I can do is stand beside him and offer to help carry the burden that I've already known.

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atomicfiction_sad

Three thousand, ninety-seven dollars and four cents

You read that correctly: $3,097.04. That's what I paid for Ra's medical care in 2014. Well, correction -- that's the total of the receipts that are in front of me. There's a file somewhere in my records cabinet that has other receipts for 2014 medications and surgeries, so the true dollar figure is actually higher, probably by another $300-$500.

All that money spent, all those medications and procedures that he had to endure ... and I couldn't help him to last past New Years. I still don't know if I did the right thing or not. In a very specific sense I have no regrets. It's not as if I think it was "poorly spent" money. I'd spend it all again (and then some) without even thinking about it. But filing these receipts, reading the labs performed and medications prescribed? I just don't know. There I have regrets, that perhaps I kept him here too long through too much pain.

I can feel the grief swelling up inside again. There's a tight feeling in my chest that always accompanies the tears that come when I think about Ra and how much I miss him.

I think it is going to be a long, lonely night.

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

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