You read that correctly: $3,097.04. That's what I paid for Ra's medical care in 2014. Well, correction -- that's the total of the receipts that are in front of me. There's a file somewhere in my records cabinet that has other receipts for 2014 medications and surgeries, so the true dollar figure is actually higher, probably by another $300-$500.
All that money spent, all those medications and procedures that he had to endure ... and I couldn't help him to last past New Years. I still don't know if I did the right thing or not. In a very specific sense I have no regrets. It's not as if I think it was "poorly spent" money. I'd spend it all again (and then some) without even thinking about it. But filing these receipts, reading the labs performed and medications prescribed? I just don't know. There I have regrets, that perhaps I kept him here too long through too much pain.
I can feel the grief swelling up inside again. There's a tight feeling in my chest that always accompanies the tears that come when I think about Ra and how much I miss him.
I think it is going to be a long, lonely night.
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
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