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Paint It Black
Living the American dream one heartbreaking piece at a time
feren
Today has been a big day! It is official as of this afternoon: big black Ulysses is now my kitty. He passed his "interview week" in our safe room with flying colors, so I signed the paperwork to adopt him. He will never be able to replace my beloved Ra, but Ulysses has a personality as big and loving as his 17 pound self. As if that was not enough, I also signed the papers to make orange cheetoh Harlow officially part of my household. He is a "foster fail," we've been housing him for the animal shelter we volunteer with since September 10th, 2014. I can't imagine my home without him now!




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Current Music: Pentatonix - Thrift Shop

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feren


Just a photo of my best friend, taken on October 16th, 2011. Today (April 3rd 2015) marks the 3 month anniversary of his passing over the Rainbow Bridge.

Thank you, Ra. Though losing you was devastating, I want to remember you as you were in hale and hearty days.

Thank you for sharing your journey and all of your love with me. Daddy misses you dearly, buddy.

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feren
... who lost his own beloved black cat today, I share this to the journal to memorialize her passing and try to find some solace of my own.

"A Cat's Prayer"

A Pets Prayer
If it should be, that I grow frail and weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then, you must do what must be done
For this, the last battle, can't be won.
Don't let your grief stay your hand,
For this day more than the rest,
Your love and friendship stand the test.
We've had so many years,
What is to come can hold no fear.
You'd not want me to suffer, so
When the time comes, please let me go.
Take me where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me to the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you'll see it is a kindness you do for me
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.
Don't grieve it should be you who this thing decides to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years,
Don't let your heart hold tears.
SMILE, FOR WE WALKED TOGETHER FOR AWHILE.

-- Author: Unknown

He didn't make this choice; he had no warning. My friend had nothing that could have prepared him for his sweet girl's passage from our world to the next. Bast called her home, and it was very hard. The circumstances are such difficult ones that, if I could, I would take them from him. I want to take his pain, his grief, his anger and his regret away... but I cannot. All I can do is stand beside him and offer to help carry the burden that I've already known.

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feren
You read that correctly: $3,097.04. That's what I paid for Ra's medical care in 2014. Well, correction -- that's the total of the receipts that are in front of me. There's a file somewhere in my records cabinet that has other receipts for 2014 medications and surgeries, so the true dollar figure is actually higher, probably by another $300-$500.

All that money spent, all those medications and procedures that he had to endure ... and I couldn't help him to last past New Years. I still don't know if I did the right thing or not. In a very specific sense I have no regrets. It's not as if I think it was "poorly spent" money. I'd spend it all again (and then some) without even thinking about it. But filing these receipts, reading the labs performed and medications prescribed? I just don't know. There I have regrets, that perhaps I kept him here too long through too much pain.

I can feel the grief swelling up inside again. There's a tight feeling in my chest that always accompanies the tears that come when I think about Ra and how much I miss him.

I think it is going to be a long, lonely night.

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

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Current Mood: crushed crushed
Current Music: Minecraft 1.7.2 OST

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feren
I'm feeling unable to sleep. I'm spending time online and reading old entries on DW/LJ. The nostalgia is overwhelming. "All the feels," as the kids say these days, while I go into 2013 and even deeper into the past. Days and events I'd forgotten, emotions that were so raw when I wrote about them... they'd gone absent, but this stirs them all back up.

I guess it's good, because it means I can still feel. Some of these things make me smile and nod. Overall, however, it may not be the ideal time for me to be doing this because of how I am struggling with grief and loss. In any case, I console myself with the realization that at least I still remember, and those memories validate me as a person and keep the past alive.

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feren
"Empty" by Jason Olsen

Title: "Empty"

It has been four weeks since I lost my best friend, today.

My heart is empty as his bed and collar.

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Current Location: Bolingbrook, IL
Current Mood: bereft

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feren
I said farewell to my best friend today at 2:40pm. He'd been part of my life for 16 years. Ra had seen me both at my best and at my worst. I chose him from a rescue in 1999 because he looked like "a little black panther," but there was nothing little about how he lived or how he loved. He filled a hole in my heart that I didn't know I had. I'm so devastated right now.

Be at peace, Ra. You were part of my life for the last 16 years. You are always part of my shadow, now

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feren
... wherever you may be
... whatever you are doing
... no matter what has changed

I simply want you to have a merry Christmas, and for you to know that I'm thinking about you. Yes, you. I want all the best for you, and for every good thing you have done to be visited three-fold upon you and those you care about.

Be safe. Be joyful. Be who you are.

This entry was originally posted at http://feren.dreamwidth.org/443024.html and is the preferred location to read this journal!

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Current Location: Bolingbrook, IL
Current Mood: reflective
Current Music: Willem De Roo - Velvet Destiny (Lost Connection Remix)

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feren
Ben Kenobi hasn't heard of Livejournal in a long time.

Honestly, some of you have been writing really great things and important entries... and I haven't seen them. At all. I am not purposefully ignoring you! If it's come off that way, I apologize. This is part of my ongoing ... whatever it is ... where I "just can't even" (I think that's the phrase the kids use right now). Occasionally I can toss something flippant on Teh BookFace, but I'm not reading the feed. Same goes for Tumblr. And Livejournal/Dreamwidth I haven't touched at all, as evidenced by Ben's quip above.

I'm still not very active on the computer or the social sites in general. I haven't played Minecraft in months, and I don't think I've been on the MUCK since about June when Ra got his diagnosis.

In general I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm glad you all are still writing and posting these amazing things, and I'm sorry I haven't been around or have seemed to be ignoring you.

The secrets we once shared

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Current Location: Bolingbrook

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